I'm in love with Cingular Wireless - and I am clueless to understand
why.  Must be something in the water.

My cellphone doesn't work.  It died over a year ago after it failed a
swimming test out by the pool.  At first, I thought this was a
disaster, but the lack of hearing it's stupid ringtone soon became a
feature.  I still carry it around so I can pretend to be a big sh.t.
Whenever I'm near someone that needs to be impressed (and therefore
made to feel worthless), I drag it out, fiddle with a few dead
buttons, stick a headset in my ear, and jabber away.  I always make
sure I talk about something that sounds really important so people
won't be tempted to tell me to shove my cellphone up my a.s.