Thats because of the snide remarks you made about
mobile phones being completely useless, fuckwit.

Jimm works fine for me for ICQ - your problem with all these apps not
working could be in the settings of your phone/your provider, so:

* Make sure your on a post-paid plan - no prepaids support applications
having direct IP access
* Make sure you have the correct settings from your provider, and that
WAP & MMS work fine
* Check the settings in your applications menu on the phone, and make
sure the default connection to use is the one for your provider (should
be telstra internet, yes optus internet or voda au internet for
example)
* If all else fails ring your provider and ask for internet settings to
be sent again - tell them you want to use a java application on your
phone that requires a net connection but it doesn't work - if you get
someone clueless (likely) ask to be put through to their data or
wireless data department.

Hope that helps!  Good Luck.
Jason